What does it take to create and nurture a healthy
relationship? That’s a question Angel and I get asked by readers and
coaching clients on a daily basis. After a decade of coaching individuals
and couples and researching how people build healthy, lasting relationships, we
have learned a lot about what it takes.
Whether you’re working to improve your marriage, a dating
relationship, or a friendship, there are lots of little things you can do to
keep your relationship on track. And since we’ve recently covered some of
these healthy relationship strategies here and here,
today I want to take a look at the flipside – what people in healthy
relationships don’t do:
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Healthy relationships don’t just happen; they take time,
patience and
two people who truly want to work together to create something
meaningful.
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01. They don’t rush the present
state of their relationships to get to better times ahead. – The thing
about obsessing about a happy ending is that you forget to enjoy the journey
along the way. Right now is life… don’t miss it! You need to enjoy
the company you care to keep, today, while you’re still guaranteed a chance to
do so.
02. They don’t expect their
relationships to solve all their problems. – While a healthy relationship
can certainly bring joy, it’s not anyone else’s job to fill in your empty inner
space. That’s your job and yours alone; and until you accept
responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably
ensue and persist in the relationship.
03. They don’t expect their
relationships to be easy. – Long-tern relationships are amazing, but
rarely easy. Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate
evidence that something is wrong or that you’re with the wrong person only
aggravates the difficulties. By contrast, finding the willingness to view
the challenges as an opportunity to learn will give you the energy and strength
you need to continue to move forward and grow your relationship to the next
level.
04. They don’t let fear overpower
their love and trust. – You never lose by loving; you lose by holding
back. No relationship is impossible until you refuse to give it a
chance. Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting
them not to. Without this trust, a relationship cannot survive. You
cannot just believe what you fear from others; you have to believe in the good
faith of others. If you are ever going to have someone trust you, you
must feel that you can trust them too.
05. They don’t keep secrets. –
Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and when trust is broken it takes
time and willingness on the part of both people involved to repair it and
heal. All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I
didn’t tell her but I didn’t lie about it, either.” This statement is a
contradiction, as omissions are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks
in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust
in the relationship is broken. Speak the truth, no matter what the
consequences. Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself
and others.
06. They don’t fake their feelings. –
Do not contrive to be a loving person: work to be a real person instead.
Being real is being loving.
07. They don’t hide who they are. –
There’s nothing better for your happiness and your relationships than for you
to be at your best, showing everyone in every way who you are and what you
stand for.
08. They don’t look to others for
validation of their identity. – Never wait around for someone else to
give you permission to be yourself. You don’t need anyone’s validation to
be happy or to live a good life. That’s a state of mind only you can
create, and then bring in to the relationship with you.
09. They don’t hold hateful
grudges. – It’s a good time, right now, for letting go. Let’s
not drag angst into tomorrow. Let’s regroup, make amends where we can,
and move on. Make peace with people as much as you are able. Even
if forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation, lay down the sword and let it
be. Life is too short.
10. They don’t focus on the
unchangeable past. – Sometimes happiness in relationships amounts to making peace
with something that can’t be fixed. Sometimes you let it go, and
sometimes you hold it broken. It amounts to forgiveness in any case.
11. They don’t expect their loved
ones to always be strong. – Sometimes people let us down because they
can’t hold us up. “I can’t carry you” doesn’t mean, “I don’t love
you.” It may simply mean, “I’m struggling too.”
12. They don’t focus on people’s
flaws. – Do your best to maintain sincere love in your heart for
others. The more you see the good in them, the more good you will uncover
in yourself.
13. They don’t give out of
obligation, or because they want to be paid back. – Do something
special for someone you love, and for a stranger today. Do it because you
can and because it makes the world a happier place. Always give more than
you take. When you shift your attitude from “how can I gain” to “how can
I give,” you’ll be amazed at the gifts you receive. Truth be told, the
most successful people in the most successful relationships are looking for
ways to help others. The most unsuccessful people are still asking,
“What’s in it for me?”
14. They don’t take their
relationships for granted. – An incredible thing happens when you pay
close attention. It’s by participating more in your relationships that
you breathe life into them. So make time for those you care about.
With our busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy the great company we
have. In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in
affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles
apart. So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern
hurts more than angry words.
15. They don’t just show up when
times are good. – Be there through the good, bad, happy, and sad
times… no matter what. Be willing to provide a listening ear, a hug, and
emotional support in all circumstances. In a healthy relationship, both
people can trust that they can count on each other, and are willing to be
available not only when it’s convenient, but when they need each other the
most.
16. They don’t try to constantly
“fix” the people they care about. – The art of caring for another is
rooted in love and respect. It means listening to them wholeheartedly and
letting them know by your complete presence that they are seen and
valued. It’s not a space where you try to fix the other person.
It’s about being witness to the totality of another human being.
17. They don’t talk when they need
to listen. – It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes
even more courage to open your mind and listen. Pay attention and be a
good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. The people in
your life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling
voice. And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said
with the intent to understand. You are as beautiful as the love you give,
and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.
18. They don’t take everything
personally. – If you take everything personally, you will remain
offended for the rest of your life. What other people do is because of
them, not you. Never permit the behavior of other people to tell you how
you feel.
19. They don’t neglect their own
self-awareness. – When two people meet, the prize always goes to the
one with the most self-insight. He or she will be calmer, more confident,
and more at ease with the other.
20. They don’t say “yes” when they
need to say “no.” – You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take
advantage of you. Sometimes you
have to set clear boundaries.
21. They don’t let people hold them
back indefinitely. – Give people lots of chances, but realize that you
can’t grow by hanging out with people who refuse to grow themselves. Try
to spend less time with those who are stubborn and stuck in their comfort
zones. And if someone doesn’t want to let you grow, it might be time to
let them go. Your relationships should help you in the long run, not hurt
you.
22. They don’t resist or interfere
with other people’s growth. – Healthy relationships move in the
direction of personal growth: for the relationship and for each
individual. A desire to impede the growth of the other for one’s comfort
is an expression of fear. Even when one is concerned that the
relationship may dissolve, they accept that their paths may diverge for the
benefit of both. Mutual growth is put before personal gain.
23. They don’t rebound and rush
into replacement relationships.– If you painfully lose a valuable friend or
lover, do not rush out at once for a replacement. Such hurried action
prevents you from examining your heartache and breaking free of it.
24. They don’t look at past
relationships as failures. – Although not all relationships are meant
to be, there are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has
a lesson to teach. And the lessons you learn make future relationships
that much stronger.
25. They don’t let what’s behind
them define them. – As long as you’re worried that you could replicate
a hurtful relationship from the past, you won’t be free to create new, healthy
bonds. Regardless of what fears you have, work to release them.
Start by acknowledging that these fears are present, and then remind yourself
that you’re not doomed to any particular fate. You’re the one running
your life, and you have the power to create healthy relationships. If you
find yourself veering off course, you can correct this. If you’ve made
mistakes in your past, you can learn from them.
About Author
This article was written by Written by MARC CHERNOFF. He’s a Passionate writers, admirers of the human spirit and full time students of life.
Credits : MARC CHERNOFF
